"New X Cream from ABC.
Our cream is THIS and does THIS. It's filled with THIS and THIS and THIS and THIS so it does THIS, THIS and THIS.
Does your cream do THIS?
X Cream from ABC does THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIIIS..."
Why not just kidnap us, strap us to a chair and force us Clockwork Orange style to watch a three hour seminar on how your cream is minutely better than the next brand, until we turn into loyal zombies working on auto drive.
For fucks sake, a product feature list is not an ad.