Top Brand Tips No1 - Learn from your Estate Agent

As much as some people like to think that we in the advertising business are subversive subliminal deviant mischief makers; we pale in comparison to the triumph of technicality that are estate agents.

Here are some handy hints for brands I have learnt from my current estate agent:

1. Customers are the most important thing in the world, until they have signed their contract.

2. Customers are an expensive waste of your time (if they have already signed). Anything you can do to get out of speaking to them is worth your while. Try these golden ideas:

- Your staff should take long holidays with no cover, especially if they are involved in customer maintenance, refunds or complaints

- Always offer to call customers back, and never do

- When a customer complains you don't call back. Promise to look into it, and never do.

3. When the customer owes you money, always call back.

4. People are mostly decent and reasonable, you can use this to ensure you never need give refunds. See also 5.

5. Use vague details when you sell something. Then look in microscopic detail at returns. You can get away with this by vastly underselling the importance of said details when signing contracts.

6. If customers need urgent assistance, take your time. They can always wait, it's their money not yours (yet). See also 7.

7. People are stupid:

- If you have no idea what is going on, pretend you do
- If something needs doing, say the person on holiday/who is ill is in charge of it
- If you get back from holiday and find you have to do something, see points 2 and 6

If things don't pick up soon I shall be naming the estate agent in question.